We’ll skip the goodbyes.

What happened just now makes me realize that perhaps, just perhaps, my existence into this world means nothing more than a burden to my family and friends.

Through out my 17 years of life, I have never felt wanted. I have never felt needed by anyone, especially my family. I have never felt love, pure white love, especially by my family..

Seeing how closely bonded my friends with their family, makes me go green with envy.

Seeing how my friends can easily hug their parents, makes me go green with envy.

Seeing one of my friend’s mothers hugged her child in front of her friends, make me green with envy.

Seeing how understanding han’s mum is, makes me feel blue with sadness.

Why can’t I have all this too?

I’m human with all the need to be love, why oh why can’t I feel the same way too?

For my mum, trusting me is never in her life dictionary. To her, everything I do, it will always be based on lies. Lies, lies and more lies. Often, when I told her that I have competition/ cca rehearsals, she will never believe a single word I said. Instead of believing in me, she will change the story line herself by saying that, I’m going out dating with Han instead of going to my CCAs. And mind you, most of the time, Han wasn’t even in Singapore. He was out in the Tekong.  

Putting all my pride and shame behind me, I had to ask one of my friends to talk to my mum, ask her too seek permission for me, from my mum. Imagine how shameful can that be? To make matters worse, my mum believed every single word from my friend, words from my friend, not from her daughter. But all was an act of hypocrisy, cause’ soon after she will change the story line yet again and told me that me and my friend has been “pakat-ing” against her. In simple words, she too couldn’t believe my friend’s word.

Haiz.

I have so much to say right now, but I just can’t bring out the words to say. My mum is not a thoroughly a bad person, with me as an exception, she really loves her children very much. She’s willing to sacrifice all her energy just to take care of her small children. I’m just not those lucky few who managed to feel her love.

Haiz,

A part of me really wants to stay, but another part of me is telling me that for my mother’s sake, I should go. When the time has come, I’m going to pull myself out of NADI. As much as I love you, nadi-ans, I just can’t seem to stay. Also when the time has come, I’m going to force myself to bid farewell to Han. My mum has already done enough to hurt him; I can’t bear to let him get hurt anymore.

To love is to let go. This is where the sentence really fits. After I’ve finally let all my love ones go, I promise you guys, I won’t ever be the same. But don’t worry, I’m not going to do all this anytime soon. I still have some leftover strength to carry this charade of emotions. I’m still strong, I guess. 

To all those who have been reading my blog all this while, i really hope that after reading all this, it wont change your perspective on me. I’m still the hyperactive tralalala ding dong radhiyah. What you read here is what I feel inside. Lets just hope that this won’t affect Radhiyah on the outside.

Till then, guys.

See you people in my dreams.