Hey beautiful.
Hey lover, dear friend.
This is the part (this is a part,
of the whole, the whole picture) this is the part
where I withdraw
(quietly)
from your life.
Because you’ll never miss me,
if I never leave.
And the sidewalks are always going to echo
with the sounds of our shoes as we walked.
And when I feel how small my hands are
I will think of how safe they were in yours.
And when I remember
how hard it was for me to let you go,
I might cry,
Because you make it look
so damn easy hard.
I’m falling so rapidly right now. If words can kill, I swear I will already be dead right now. Wait, I already feel dead inside. So does that mean I’m dead? Ah I don’t know. I feel so numb, so tired and so…unloved. My family, they raise me up, they nurture me to become the person that I am right now. Then after 17 years, they turned their back on me and kill me with all this sarcasm. They judge me, they blamed me for something they have not thoroughly find out themselves. They keep saying they know me too well; but damn it, they don’t even know who am I. they don’t even know that their daughter is falling rapidly into this mess called depression. They know me? Huh? More like they know the stupid idiot better than me. And seriously, fuck you stupid idiot. You’re nothing but a bunch of lies. You’re scamming my family with all this shit. And I swear, just by looking at how you carry out your “procedures”, I can in an instant tell that you’re going against God. Damn you idiot, what you doing now is jolly well known as “syirik”. And seriously, fuck you for pulling my family into your world of lies, lies and more lies. And God forbids, your world of “syirik”. Don’t pull my family into your mess, damn it. If you want to go against God, you jolly well go by yourself. Just keep your hands of my family. Period.
………….
My 18th birthday is coming up real soon. For my friends, being 18 is a big thing for them. They’re officially an adult now; which means they can now have unlimited freedom. But for me, being 18 feels like being a fully build cage. My freedom will be cut off; and each and every step will be more noticeable to my family. So yuh, being 18 is nothing extraordinary to me. Then again, I pray hard that by the time I’m 18, my life will already be sort out. I will already be really happy and peaceful by then. And secretly, I’m wishing that I get to celebrate it with Han. Han. God only knows how much I miss him right now. Yesterday, he was so near to me. In fact we’re just an arm length away from each other. But it really seems so far. The situation just wasn’t right yesterday; so all we had was just a few eye contacts and approximately 5 seconds of hand contact. When I was about to go home, I refused to make any eye contact with him. Knowing how disappointed he was, I dare not let him see my eyes. Eyes can never lie; that’s why I’m not letting han see what I’m feeling right now. It will make him more disappointed and…..….sad. I don’t like seeing Han sad. Seeing him sad makes me even sadder. My heart cringes each time I see that solemn expression on his face. It saddens me further to know that I’m the reason to why he’s sad. I miss those days where smiles and laughter are inevitable; where there’s rarely tears and sadness. I really miss those days, baby. =(
A whole day out with han, with no calls from my mum, is all I need right now. I bet on our next meeting, the moment I lay my eyes on him, I’ll run to him for a hug. A really tight one that is. Only him can make me safe. Only him can make me feel secure. I’ve cried in his arms for quite another of times, and again and again, his hugs comfort me. His strong arms never fail to shield me from this really harsh cold world. I miss him so much. I don’t know how to make it through another day. But just knowing that I will be meeting him next Saturday, cheers me up a little. I will try to be strong for this one week. I will try. No promises. But I will try.
If only my mum can see that I love Han too much to let go of him.
Filed under: inner thoughts
For the last time, stop taking my stuffs. First my tops, then my accessories, my make ups and now my bags? How dare you use my school bag without my permission? For goodness sake, that’s the only big bag I have which I can call my own cause’ the rest of my you godamn took it away, without my permission. Not only you took it, you destroy them too. How dare you. As your big sis, I’ve been keeping my silence for so long. Not once, not twice, in fact, there’s countless of time I cried infront of mak just because you stole my stuffs. Just in case you haven’t notice, I earn those stuffs. I starved, I refrain myself from buying unnecessary stuffs just so that I can say I save enough to buy all those stuffs. And now, thanks to you, it all goes down to the drain. @#@!#. I swear, the moment you stepped out of this house for school tomorrow, I’m gonna rampage your room for my stuffs. HEAR THAT? MY STUFFS. I don’t care if your room will end up like a kandang kerbau soon after; I just want to get my stuffs back. And you better change your attitude, cause’ trust me, you don’t want to us to end up just like both Abg mil & Abg Man. Trust me, you don’t.
Selamat hari rayerr people; forgive me for all my wrong doings. I’m just a girl whose imperfect in so many ways thus I’m not spared from evil deed. I still have so much to learn. So yuh, sorry yer =)
Heh. First day of rayer was a blast. Meet up with the love ones. Took a lot of pictures which I promise I will upload them soon. Erm did I tell you that today was a “bloody” raya for me? Early morning I accidentally slashed my thumb. Blood was gushing out a lot. Then at night, as in a few minutes ago, my nose bled. Don’t ask me why, but it just bled. I wanted to ngadu2 to han, but he’s already asleep. Too tired I guess. So yuh, nvm. I’ll be alrite.
And you know, what’s really sad about hari raya is the fact that we need to learn to forgive each other. No matter how big of a mistake we did back then, we need to learn to take a step back, forgive each other, and take a step forward again.
To both elias and Haiqal, whom I doubt will be reading this.
I forgive the both of you. And I hope to be forgiven too. For all the tears and laughter we shared together, I promise I will keep them close in my heart. Thank you for sending me those comments. It feels really good to know that we no longer have anything against each other. We’re cool now.
I have lots of things to say to the both of you; but I rather not say it all cause’ really, some things are better off unsaid. Let just leave things the way it is. I miss my past, but missing itself won’t get me anywhere. Besides I’ve already promised Han that I will no longer contact you guys. This gives me another reason to why I don’t feel any need to stay. Give me a few minutes of silence to commemorate my past and I swear I will be alright.
The singer finished singing and she’s walking out
The singer sheds a tear, her fear of falling out
And it’s hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by and I cried
It’s hard to say that I was wrong
It’s hard to say I miss you
Since you’ve been gone, it’s not the same
My worries weigh the world, how I used to be
And everything, I’m cold, seems a plague in me
And it’s hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by and I cried
It’s hard to say that I was wrong
It’s hard to say I miss you
Since you’ve been gone, it’s not the same
It’s hard to say I held my tongue
It’s hard to say if only
Since you’ve been gone, it’s not the same
Worse than the fear it’s the lie you told a thousand times before
Worse than a fear it’s the knife
But it’s hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by and I cried It’s really hard to say how I feel right now. Bittersweet I guess. I just hope that Han won’t get the wrong idea when he read this post. I just need a strong reassurance hug from him; just to make me know that every thing will be alright. Han, a hug please?
Sometimes, I can’t help it but to have this strong urge to let go of everything. Yes everything. It’s really suffocating to know that the people around me are unfortunately trying their best to suffocate me. They’re choking me and indirectly killing me slowly. What do they want from me, if you may ask? I have no idea but it seems that they find real excitement through all this. The adrenaline rush they get thru this beats the rush they get when riding the Panasonic ride in Escape Theme Park. It’s far more exciting I guess.
As much as I want to let go of everything, I just can’t bring myself to do it. Or better still I doubt I can EVER bring myself to do it. I just can’t. It can never be possible when this “everything” involves the people who I’ve come to be very close with. From my family members to my one and only, I just can’t let them go of them. They’re my pillar of strength, my hope, my everything. But they too are my weakness. They pull me up so high; and yet they too pull me down so low. In simple words, they’re the reason to why I’m stuck at the very end of two emotions- happiness and sadness. Happiness- cause’ I still have my love ones close to me. They’re still very much alive and kicking. Thank God. But sadness- cause’ a contrary to theirs, I am still alive, but not really kicking.
Sigh.
Too many contradictions, I know. But then life is already a contradiction to begin with. Right?
And yarh, my ed is back. And trust me; I’m really not proud to announce that. It’s taking a toll on Han cause’ he’s blaming himself for not taking good care of me. It’s not his fault really. I have a problem with myself all this while, not him. Until I have the strength and courage to step onto the scale, I will forever have a war with myself. And no one else will be involved in this war except for me myself and i. And that’s final.
Filed under: inner thoughts
Sometimes we put up walls; not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to knock them down.
-postsecret
Three post in a day. Hah. Sorry uh, I have temporary use of internet right now. Better make full use of it right? So yuh, what have I been up to lately. Nothing much, really. I’ve been working and slacking these few days. Nothing exciting. A bit mundane to be exact. Well maybe, there’s a few stuffs been happening lately. But I rather not talk about them cause yuh, im trying to forget all those stuffs. Things like these, I prefer not to talk about it. What’s the use of remembering them when it only darkens the scar in your heart? What I can say for now is that, I’ve learn about life, the hard way. Back stabbing, mistrust all that is part and partial of life. I’m still not use to all this stuffs, but I know, the more I experience all these stuffs, the more mature I become. I’m more vigilant of the people around me. I’m extra careful cause heck I don’t want to get bitten twice.
On the other hand, its nice to have a shoulder to cry on, especially when the one you’re crying on is someone whom you’re madly in love with. It brightens up life when it is at the bleakest. I’m forever grateful for that.
On the other other hand, I’m extremely bored right now. Han’s at geylang now, shopping for curtains I think. So yuh, no one to talk to right now. Nevermindlah. I think I go watch tv or something. Worse to the worse, I’ll force myself to sleep. Cover myself with lots and lots of pillow. That will work
Filed under: inner thoughts
Filed under: inner thoughts
will i ever be love?
Filed under: Random
For don’t know how many times, my sis phone broke down. Now i’m permanently phoneless. My laptop broke down too. URGH. Damn toot. Now i’m contactless.
Baek uh Rad.
