We’ll skip the goodbyes.

I’m falling so rapidly right now. If words can kill, I swear I will already be dead right now. Wait, I already feel dead inside. So does that mean I’m dead? Ah I don’t know. I feel so numb, so tired and so…unloved.  My family, they raise me up, they nurture me to become the person that I am right now. Then after 17 years, they turned their back on me and kill me with all this sarcasm. They judge me, they blamed me for something they have not thoroughly find out themselves. They keep saying they know me too well; but damn it, they don’t even know who am I. they don’t even know that their daughter is falling rapidly into this mess called depression. They know me? Huh? More like they know the stupid idiot better than me.  And seriously, fuck you stupid idiot. You’re nothing but a bunch of lies. You’re scamming my family with all this shit. And I swear, just by looking at how you carry out your “procedures”, I can in an instant tell that you’re going against God. Damn you idiot, what you doing now is jolly well known as “syirik”. And seriously, fuck you for pulling my family into your world of lies, lies and more lies. And God forbids, your world of “syirik”. Don’t pull my family into your mess, damn it. If you want to go against God, you jolly well go by yourself. Just keep your hands of my family. Period.

  ………….  

My 18^th birthday is coming up real soon. For my friends, being 18 is a big thing for them. They’re officially an adult now; which means they can now have unlimited freedom. But for me, being 18 feels like being a fully build cage. My freedom will be cut off; and each and every step will be more noticeable to my family. So yuh, being 18 is nothing extraordinary to me. Then again, I pray hard that by the time I’m 18, my life will already be sort out. I will already be really happy and peaceful by then. And secretly, I’m wishing that I get to celebrate it with Han.  Han.  God only knows how much I miss him right now. Yesterday, he was so near to me. In fact we’re just an arm length away from each other. But it really seems so far. The situation just wasn’t right yesterday; so all we had was just a few eye contacts and approximately 5 seconds of hand contact. When I was about to go home, I refused to make any eye contact with him. Knowing how disappointed he was, I dare not let him see my eyes. Eyes can never lie; that’s why I’m not letting han see what I’m feeling right now. It will make him more disappointed and…..….sad. I don’t like seeing Han sad. Seeing him sad makes me even sadder. My heart cringes each time I see that solemn expression on his face. It saddens me further to know that I’m the reason to why he’s sad.  I miss those days where smiles and laughter are inevitable; where there’s rarely tears and sadness. I really miss those days, baby.  =(   

A whole day out with han, with no calls from my mum, is all I need right now. I bet on our next meeting, the moment I lay my eyes on him, I’ll run to him for a hug. A really tight one that is. Only him can make me safe. Only him can make me feel secure. I’ve cried in his arms for quite another of times, and again and again, his hugs comfort me. His strong arms never fail to shield me from this really harsh cold world. I miss him so much. I don’t know how to make it through another day. But just knowing that I will be meeting him next Saturday, cheers me up a little. I will try to be strong for this one week. I will try. No promises. But I will try.  

If only my mum can see that I love Han too much to let go of him.