There’s people talking
They talk about me
They know my name
They think they know everything
But they don’t know anything
About me…
I’m just so tired right now. Too much emotions at one time, can really drain everything out of me. I want to breathe, but I just cant seem to breathe. I want to smile, but I just cant seem to smile. I want to cry; but really, I just cant seem to cry anymore. I’m just so tired and……..just so tired. I’m still on hiatus. I doubt I will ever come back. It doesn’t matter anymore, it’s just doesn’t matter anymore.
Sigh.
I need a break. I need time out from all this stuffs I’m going through right now. I’m not ok, I’m seriously not ok. I’m in a state whereby everything just seems so vague and bleak. I’m easily agitated now. I get angry so easily. Especially when I’m online, I’m a completely different person. A much more uglier and temperamental Radhiyah. I tend to assume too much and yes, I get so angry when people reply me late at msn.
I don’t want to continue on to be this Radhiyah. I want my old self back, the one who talks a lot, and rarely gets agitated. I just want to be back to my old self. But how? I don’t know. But I’ll try to get her back. I just need some time alone now. Put all those broken pieces back into my life, recover back my once calm self. I want to find peace and serenity once again. Maybe I should start reading back. It’s been awhile since I read a novel. That can calm me down somehow.
Sigh.
I will be going on a hiatus. Wont be blogging for a while. I doubt people will miss me, so it don’t really matter whether I’m still blogging or not.
So yuh, till then people.
I’ve lost my glow.
I just want to feel beautiful once again.
=(
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Edit//: I seriously need to pull myself back on my feet. Due to my stupidity, I nearly killed myself today. I was alone in the house, from morning till now. Cooked maggi for myself, and spent the rest of the day hogging the computer. As time went by, I started to smell something bad. Not those smelly fart smell, its like a strong uncomfortable smell. It came from the kitchen. Thinking that the smell comes from my neighbor, I ignored it. For some reason, I was getting dizzy and really really sleepy. I was suddenly so weak and tired.
Then my father came home. I went to inside my room to catch some rest- I was already about to faint. Then my father called me from the living room and reprimanded me for not switching off the gas stove. I was like “ah?. i didn’t switched off the stove?? I thought I already did that??” That’s when it finally strucked me that I was getting sleepy due to the gas I was breathing in.. Omg. Seriously, thank god my dad went home early. If not I will already be dead by now. ahhhhhhh. I really feel like slapping myself now. Toot btol lah.
Filed under: inner thoughts
Filed under: depressed
First Nadiah.
Then azimah.
Then Han.
Now asy???????
One by one, my love ones are leaving me.
Noooooooooooooooooooo.
Why are you guys leaving me?
You guys cant possibly hate me that much right?
=(
There comes a point in your life when you realise who matters, who never did and who won’t anymore and who always will.
First and foremost, thank you elfy. Thank you so much for talking to me just now. I know it’s not easy for you to tell me every single bit of your past. Just by looking at your eyes I know you’re still deeply hurt by it. But from your eyes, I can also tell that you cant wait to start a new life. With that someone you’re deeply in love with. For that, i wish you all the best elfy. Thank you also for the comfort you gave me just now. Somehow your presence gave me serenity. Thank you so much. I’ll try to rise again. I’ll try to pick up these broken pieces which Han left me. It might take a while, but I promise I’ll be back. But not anytime soon, I guess.
I feel so lost, so broken, ……but at the same time I feel so loved. I don’t know that a lot of people loves me so much. Shah, the kambengs, Julie, elfy, sufi, shid. God, there’s still a whole lot of names I left out.. Thank you guys, for being there for me. If not for you guys, I don’t know what state I will be in right now.
I cant promise I wont cry again, but I can promise you guys that I wont let myself be weak. I know for myself that I’m strong. It’s just that when it comes to the matters of my heart, I cant seem to control myself. I will start to lose control of everything.
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I’m on the phone with Han right now. He still calls me ‘yang’. My hearts beating really fast right now. God, I miss him so much.
Woke up early in the morning, just to hear this song playing in the radio. With my eyes still half open, I started humming to this song, with flashbacks of me and Han together, through happy and bad times. those days where I sang this song to myself, knowing how much Han loves me so much; just makes everything seem so worthwhile.
Then reality starts to hit me; Han is no longer mine. He doesn’t want me anymore in his life; and that I am nothing more than just a figment of his past. The moment I realized what I just realized, tears starts to well up in my eyes. I started sobbing like a small kid who have just lost his toys.
I’m so sorry.
I didn’t mean to be so weak.
I didn’t mean to be this vulnerable.
throughout my whole life, no one else but Han can make me go weak on my knees. My heart still skips a beat, each time he looks into my eyes. I still get sweaty palms each time I see him walking towards me. He was bestfriend, my baby, my sweetheart and my future soul mate. We had planned a future together but this, this had to happen. And no one else but me is to be blame for all these. I swear I’m not going to forgive myself for this.
I never thought I’m gonna say this in this manner; but it really saddens me to know that I’m going to miss everything that will and might happen in Han’s life. I don’t wamt to miss a thing; I really don’t want to miss a thing. But I know the time has come for me to bid farewell to my sweetheart Farhan.. Goodbye, Farhan. Try not to remember me from now on, cause I don’t want to my shadows to bring you down. Just like I did when we’re still together.
I wanted to stay forever; but forever never really exist.
Filed under: numb
Too tired to breathe.
I’m just too tired to breathe.
As tempting as it sound, I wont take the risk of hurting this love just to know what it feels like to be on the other side of the patch.I’m not thoroughly content by our current situation, but trust me, what we having right now, is enough to last us another one and a half year. I just need to keep my feelings up my sleeves; so that none of it can be given to a stranger.
I love you, Farhan. That’s all that really matters right now.
Filed under: inner thoughts
This post was meant to be posted on the 10th November, but all thanks to the ding dong internet connection, I have to post them a bit later. So yarh, here’s my one week ago post.
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Today was my silat trial against Republic polytechnic, everything turns out pretty much ok. I didn’t get any severe bruise of any sort, maybe a swollen knuckle and some chest pains. Other than that, everything was just ok ok. both suhailah and shid manage to take some videos of us fighting, so yep, I’ll try to post them up soon.
A lot of things I’ve learnt throughout this trial. One of them is that, looks can be really deceiving. Seriously. My opponent is one of them. A few minutes before we fought, I bumped into my opponent at the toilet there. there she kept on saying that she’s nervous; I can see that she was shaking a bit. She looks so vulnerable and weak. So yuh, from that first impression, I made an assumption that she’s a very easy opponent. Big mistake sia. The moment she stepped into the ring, she was far different from the girl I met just now. she had this very strong stern look on her first, and damn, while we were fighting, her eyes kept aiming at my vest. that makes me feel uneasy all over. And yes, she’s really fierce. She really can kick man. She kicked me like it was no one’s business. Kicked and kicked. I didn’t really kick her back cause she’s a fast catcher. I don’t want her to grab my leg and then push me down the mat; which she did so many times. Instead of using my kicking skills, I used my punching skills instead. . So yep, since there wasn’t any winner or loser in this trial, it was a pretty good match. A good experience I must say. Good enough for someone who is particularly new like me. On the next friendly trial I promise i will try harder. The next trial will be on 5 january, against Singapore poly. Woots. I cant wait bebeh =)
On a random note, the world s really small eh?. Everywhere we go, it’s for sure that we will bump into our old friends. And to make the world even smaller, most of my current friends are directly/ indirectly linked to my old friends. Like just now, while I was at RP, I saw Izzudin, one of my old tuition friends. He’s in silat too. Then just now, while having dinner with the silat mates, I bumped into faizal (my old tuition mate too) who happens to be a friend of Raudah (my silat mate). Also one of my of my silat mates happens to be my old primary school friend. Seeeee. It’s a small world afterall =)
